January 24, 2017
President Donald J. Trump
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, D.C. 20500
Well, I am trying to put a positive spin on the situation as you plow ahead to wreck our trading partnership with Mexico. And—bingo!—I realize your true intention is to promote the wonderful locovore movement in the United States.
It is still a nascent (that means “little-bitty”) movement and can certainly use a boost from you!
Grow local! Eat local!
Millions of people who will no longer be able to buy affordable produce in their grocery stores imported from Mexico will at last start growing their own food! Like some of us already do! This is fantastic! Thank you Mr. Trump!
I will warn you, however, that Americans—quite a few who voted for you—do love their avocados, which mainly come from Mexico. You will stop that of course. No more of those bad, bad, hugely bad avocados from Mexico. But be prepared: Americans might rise up in protest if they can’t get their guacamole! And you will want to be prepared to claim that the crowds who go out to protest your ban on avocados are much smaller than the millions who came to your inauguration!
Our tiny, hugely tiny farmers market in northern Minnesota, in the town of Tower (pop. 500), will certainly benefit from increased customer traffic after NAFTA is dismantled. People might even buy stuff they used to think was weird—like our leeks, okra, garlic scapes, and kale—so desperate will they be for vegetables. I can foresee a burgeoning of farmers markets all across America. And you can take the credit for all the jobs it will create!
Best thing of all—this is a fantastic opportunity for your family. You all can start composting! Mrs. Trump can expand the vegetable garden at the White House started by Mrs. Obama! Maybe the White House will open a farmers market for the people of Washington D.C.! With global climate change, you may soon be able to plant an avocado tree there on Pennsylvania Avenue. Then you can start trading with your neighbors!